Crystal Coconut Macaroon
by Twatlight
Summary: A Wide Awake fanfic. What happens when Edward and Bella finally do the deed?


I was sitting by the stove top, waiting for the crystal to cook. I wanted to deliver it to my clients as soon as possible.

"Goddom fucking dick head!!" He was home. Motherfucking Daddy C.

It was bad enough he didn't want me seeing my girl, and that he left his fucking uppers lying around. But having him barge in on my part-time job would be the last fucking straw. He'd have to fucking die. I armed myself with the wooden spatula.  

"Dad? Carlisle? Carlizzle? Daddy C?" I called fucking politely, taking the crystal off the stove and putting it aside. The whole kitchen reeked of it, but Daddy C was so fucking stupid he probably didn't know.

And naturally, he was trying to be fucking nice and ignore the fact I wasn't getting laid because of him, or even fucking sleeping, because my girl's shiny fucking curls and worrisome constant cookie smell had turned me in to a walking, talking, slumped-over, large-labia'd, hairy sack of pussy.

I tried to control my anger. Goddom, my dick was fucking twitching. Killing people had always turned me on, it was akin to my girls tiny hot mouth descending on my less than impressive boner.

"Yes son?" Daddy C was ripping open some envelope, probably a bill or sorts.  "It's garbage day," I muttered before smacking him on the back of the head with the wooden spatula. 

 "Oh right," he said in a cheerful fucking fake tone. I wanted to pour hot crystal on his taint.

"Could you get that, Edward?"  

"Could you get that, Edward?" I sing-songed in a mocking tone.

"Fuck no." 

 "Pardon me, son?" He turned to me, with his fake ass smile, 'That's right, keep smiling', I thought to myself... He didn't know what was coming  

"I said, Fuck no, you fucking cunt!" I started to raise my voice. I was dangerous. My eyes were shifting all over the place. I was one bad ass motherfucker.

 But I had to keep my fucking cool. It wasn't time yet. I roughly yanked on the collar of my leather fucking jacket to pop the collar up, smoothly removed my comb from the fucking inside breast pocket, smoothed it over my gelled shiny fucking hair, adjusted myself, and fucking lit a cigarette.

"Listen here, Daddy C, I ain't got my dick sucked in five fucking days, because of you." I kissed my teeth in disgust at him.  

"Bella did what to your--Edward," he began. I lazily took a drag of my fucking cigarette. It was a fucking bad idea to smoke around meth, which is why I stopped making it in the trunk of my fucking car, but I didn't care if I burned the fucking house down.  

"Edward," he started again, surveying the fucking kitchen just now like the unobservant cockknot he was. I had diapers and sieves and dozens of fucking bottles of cough syrup strewn about.

"What in blazes are you doing?"  

"It's a science project," I lied in a drawl, taking another slow fucking drag on my cigarette.  

"Oh? Maybe I could help you? After all, I am a doctor." He offered in his fucking polite tone.  The wheels in my head clicked.  Fuck yes. This is how I would bring him down. This is how I would ensure that he never fucking cockblocks me ever fucking again.  My girl might be a chef at baking cookies. But I was a chef of chaos and destruction.  

"Well, _dad_, you boil the cough syrup," I mumbled around my fucking cigarette, replacing the pot on the stove and turning the heat up to high.  

"Actually, you know what, I have some ready now." Wasn't I just a Rachel Fucking Ray with meth. After Daddy C's amphetamines had turned out to, in fact, be addictive, I had to turn to the hard stuff to keep my fucking mind off my girl.

"So you add some fuel and... Let me put out this cigarette... Listen just wait for this to boil."  Daddy C watched me, fucking fascinated. He asked what I was going to do with all this.

"I'm making a fucking volcano."  

"A volcano?" His falsetto voice falsettoed.  

"Absolutely, Daddy C. Like those science fairs where you put the baking soda...."  I tried to reason with him. Fucking idiot. How did he become a fucking doctor? 

 "Oh, well that's lovely, son!" His pearly smile made me want to kill him even more. Set those fucking teeth up in a gold base, put it on my head and call it a tiara.  

"It'll just have a little more oomph. You know how i love destruction, Daddy C." I couldn't help but grin like a fucking cheshire cat. Motherfucking yes.  The creepy fucking cheshire cat from that fucking video game that some stupid bitch at school had tattooed all over her side.  I was that fucking cat, and I was going to give Daddy C ambiguous and fucking cleverly worded instructions that would lead to his fiery fucking death.  

"So... I'm going to go to the... Hardware store..." I wondered out loud. Daddy C looked at me all fucking perplexed and shit.  

"I'm really proud of you son," he beamed.

"You haven't sworn in almost a full minute!"  

"Yeah, uh, I need volcano stuff, so just... Put that stuff through the diapers when it looks done... Bye... Dad." I spoke in fucking halting sentences because I was starting to feel fucking guilty about this. The house wouldn't be fucking standing when I came back from wherever I managed to find a fucking prostitute.  

The only requirement for a lady of the night?  That she has fucking shiny curls. 

 I got in to my black Honda Civic. Ready to go wherever this sweet, delicious little ride could take me.  My licence plate? c00ki3. 

 I noticed I had unicorn fucking dice in the mirror as I peeled out of Chez Cullen. I fucking wept. I hadn't had unicorns in a fucking week.  I wanted my fucking unicorns.  The road felt good under my flat, balding tires. Just like how I imagined my girl in my fucking fantasies of us growing old together. Those fantasies that were crushed and lay fucking broken on the floor like so many fucking dropped cookies.  

I hit the E 57, making my way towards town's hooker alley. Where the toothless old broad would gum your cock for a fucking dollar.  It would be a different fucking experience from my girl, who had lots of fucking teeth in her perfect little mouth, but this toothless hooker had shiny fucking girls and smelled like cookies so I'd fucking take it. 

 I stopped the car by the alley, trying to spot the familiar old broad. Where was she and her delicious fucking bags of sand?  

"Where in the world is Carmen Gummydicko?" I rolled down the window and hollered for her. But as I did so, the smell of fucking cookies, my girl, my girl's fucking cookies, sweet cookies baking assaulted my fucking nostrils.  

I got out of the car, hurrying my steps, following the fucking smell of fucking cookies.  I stopped outside this huge fucking brick building.  

Chips A Fucking Hoy.  

I approached the fucking doors and found them locked. But there was a fucking mail slot. I looked both ways and pulled down my fucking zipper. I jammed my small cock in the slot. Thank god I was part dolphin.  

After my prehensile cock had picked the fucking lock from the inside, the fucking doors swung open. The smell assaulted me like so many fucking muggers, and my dick twitched hanging out of my pants.  

And then, I spotted it: A huge fucking metallic tub of fucking cookie dough. Suddenly it was like the dough was a magnet and my cock was a big fucking slab of iron.  I found myself thrusting my fucking cock all up in that dough. I was fucking the smooth, moist dough, giving it my all. The sensation of the small, still hard chips rubbing along my shaft threw me in throes of unicorns. It was cold, lumpy, and damp, just like Carmen.  

When I had given it my fucking all, emptied all my unicorns in to the cookies that I could not put in my girl's cookies, I hopped down and got back in the car.  

THEN I WENT HOME AND WAS LIKE LOL THE HOUSE WAS ON FIRE AND I FLICKED MY FUCKING CIGARETTE AT IT LOL SCENE


End file.
